Spring Break
A new name will lead to hip-hop stardom
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Two years now — two long years — I’ve been on this opinion page plotting schemes, making pleas and writing rhymes. All of it was in an effort to fulfill my dream to become a rapper. I’ve tried it all: playing the race card when the white rappers were hot, asking “The Source” and MTV for help.
I even tried to take a page out of the thugged-out book of the Cash Money Millionaires or Billionaires or Quadrillionaires or whatever the hell they call themselves.
And it all worked about as well as Snow’s comeback attempt or Puff Daddy’s last dental appointment.
But I think I have a new strategy to make a name for myself in the rap world — and make a name, I will.
Yep, I still want to be a rapper, and no one is going to stop me now.
It’s all thanks my pal Sean “Puffy” Combs. Er … can I still call him that?
No matter. Here’s the news you’ve been waiting for: From this day on I will be known as M-Oz.
No more of this Mike Osegueda stuff. Whoever heard of a rapper named Mike Osegueda?
Exactly.
I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out, but, again, I have to give all praise to Puffy, umm … I mean P-Diddy.
Yes, you see he’s the inspiration for the name change. Similar to me, he thought his previous name wasn’t good enough and changed it to “P-Diddy.”
I think it was a good idea on his part, though. The old name always gave me visions of the magic dragon living by the sea. Plus, it rhymes with the best adjective to describe his music.
I guess I’m not the only one, either.
His is-she-or-isn’t-she girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, followed in toe and is now widely referred to as J-Lo.
And she’s everywhere. She’s prancing around the Oscars. She’s making waves on MTV. She’s on whoever’s late night talk show.
Some people may attribute it to her talents (cough, her backside, cough), but I think it’s because of the name.
J-Lo. It has a ring to it. P-Diddy. It has an even nicer ring to it.
And M-Oz, well, that just has rap superstar written all over it.
Give me a few years, and I’ll be making “platinum hits” and shooting up nightclubs just like my hero.
Yeah, M-Oz is going to blow up (third person is a good touch, no?).
I finally believe I’m on my way. I’ll have the Benjamins, the women, the teeth, the mogul status. I might even turn on my friends like the artist formerly known as Puffy did to his rapper pal Shyne, who caught the rap for the nightclub shooting.
The final piece of the puzzle is in place, and I’ll be all over your TV, shouting nonsense, flashing money, showing off expensive jewelry and cars that I don’t own, before you can count the seconds left in Nelly’s 15 minutes of fame.
Of course, I still don’t have any actual talent for rapping, but that never mattered for Mr. “Country Grammar” Nelly, Skee-Lo, DMX or the entire state of Louisiana.
They made it because of a gimmick, and so will M-Oz.
And I owe it all to P-Diddy.
The world of rap sure is great.
So I’ll sit around the Daily and wait for my big break, and I’ll use even more of P-Diddy’s philosophy: I won’t stop, ’cause I can’t stop.
Uh huh. That’s right. M-Oz 2001. That’s right. Uh huh.
Mike Osegueda is the Spartan
Daily Executive Editor.
“Oz-mosis” appears Thursdays.
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