Spartan Daily - Serving San Jose State University since 1934

It could have been a Great Moment in World History, but the White House laughed it off: Saddam Hussein's desperate request for a debate in front of the whole world on the merits of a U.S. attack on Iraq.

Moderator Dan Rather: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, on the left side of your monitor, the American president, George Walker Bush.

President Bush: Thank you, Dan.

Rather: And on the right, I present the Iraqi president, Saddam Hussein.

President Saddam Hussein: Good evening.

Rather: Well, gentlemen, we all know why we're here tonight. President Bush, why don't you start us off?

Bush: Thank you, Dan. It's really quite simple. My opponent's regime possesses weapons of mass destruction, and this is unacceptable. He must disarm, or be disarmed by force.

Hussein: I have no weapons of mass destruction.

Bush: Yes, you do.

Hussein: No, I do not.

Bush: You do.

Hussein: I do not. And so what if I did? You have them too.

Bush: I'm allowed to have them.

Hussein: Why? Why are you allowed to have them and I am not?

Bush: Because I'm not a warmongering lunatic who gasses his own people.

Hussein: Are you sure about that? Weren't 152 men and women sent to the gas chamber while you were governor of Texas?

Bush: We use lethal injection in Texas, Hussein. It's more humane. Besides, those were convicted criminals, and we did it in the name of justice.

Hussein: As did I. Faced with rebellion in my country, I gassed them. They were criminals, and we did it in the name of justice. Every leader has to know when to exercise the ultimate authority, no matter how cruel and despotic it may make him appear to be.

Bush: What did you just call me?

Hussein: I did not call you anything.

Bush: Yes you did. You called me a depot or a democrat or something. Is that it? You think I'm an idiot because I mispronounce things like "nuklar" and flunked a pop quiz on world events once during an interview. Do you know who the president of Ghana is, Hussein?

Hussein: No, do you?

Bush: Don't get all sneaky and try to turn things around on me.

Hussein: I did no such thing.

Bush: Yes you did.

Hussein: Just admit it. You just want to invade my country to get the oil and to take care of your father's unfinished business.

Bush: That and the car bomb incident in 1993 when you tried to kill him. I know you don't understand the concept of family loyalty since you blow your relatives away for just looking cross-eyed at you.

Hussein: Who's never wanted to kill an in-law? It's tough being a tyrant. And I had nothing to do with that car bomb.

Bush: Yes you did.

Hussein: No I didn't.

Bush: You did.

Hussein: I didn't.

Bush: Yes you...

Rather: Excuse me, gentlemen, but...

Hussein: While we are on the subject of your father, does the phrase "It's the economy, stupid" sound familiar?

Bush: I tell you, Hussein, you're really starting to make me mad. Don't screw with the USA, and don't mess with Texas. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take over your country and pave it over, and then I'm going to fill it with Starbucks, McDonald's, Burger Kings and Jiffy Lubes, and I may even set up a Disney World. Rumsfeld was saying something about putting up some water slides. It's going to be pure Americana, right there in the heart of Baghdad.

Hussein: For the last time, we have no weapons of mass destruction. We sold them all to Osama, and I can prove it. I have a copy of the check here.

Rather: Would you hold that up to the monitor, please?

Hussein: As you can see, he wrote it in January 2002. He passed through Baghdad after he left Tora Bora and said he'd take the whole lot. Let me tell you, I was glad to get rid of them.

Bush: You sold them to bin Laden?

Hussein: Yes. Osama has them all. He called last week and said to tell you thanks. With all that attention focused on me, it's been much easier for him to sneak around. Who knows where he could be by now?

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