Spartan Daily - Serving San Jose State University since 1934

"I'm the Sidewalk Muser."

I was thoroughly impressed with my presence of mind. I looked at my watch. Yes, it's been two years since I have shown this kind of mental agility. A renewed self-esteem was beginning to develop in me, I had that pregnant feeling.

"Sidewalk Muser," I repeated, with an edge of confidence.

I could have sworn it giggled. This nincompoop of a fellow belonging to a whole race of compoops, nin or not, seemed to be doing the impossible. The act of sniggering.

I decided that I was going to hold its eyes and stare him down. I narrowed my eyes and was about to stop blinking, when it turned slowly and started walking away. As if nothing had happened. As if it was bedtime.

Is it me or does this happen to everybody?

I'm walking or just standing or running to talking to a friend, and suddenly I'll notice these pair of eyes staring at me. A cat. Any cat. It would seem that he was going somewhere when he would turn around and look at me in marked stillness as if I was absolutely fascinating. This latest one had its right paw raised as if putting it down would attract my attention.

And when I would try to match its stare, it would just turn slowly, indifferently, bored, as if I was worth nothing. I would feel as if I was the most intelligent or the most dangerous being at one moment and a worthless imbecile in the next.

Reminds me of some of the relationships I've had.

Is it me or does this happen to everybody?

"You are the fiftieth."

I recall gaping at her among many other things. It had been only an hour. "You mean, I am the fiftieth or will be?"

"No silly! I mean you are the fiftieth guy I'm going out with. Thirty-eighth if you get lucky."

Thirty-eighth, I thought, or the thirteenth . It seemed a mighty tough choice that moment. "Get lucky, huh?" I said. Another one of those clichés.

"Going out?" I asked before she could start giggling. She had been giggling all that hour and we hadn't even ordered wine yet.

"Well, aren't we?" She said gesturing around.

"We are going out?" I asked again, "When did we go in?"

I don't know what was funny, but she called me up at four in the morning to tell me that she finally stopped giggling.

"Honey, we have to talk," said another voice on the phone in some other relationship.

"We do?"

"Yes."

"We talked yesterday, didn't we?"

"Yes?"

"And the day before that?"

"Yes?"

"And we talked every day in the last two months?"

"Well?"

"And since we are talking now as well, I guess we have to talk, huh?"

"Honey, you don't understand. We have to talk."

Three relationships later, I understood perfectly.

Going out. Get Lucky. I do. We have to talk.

Relationship terminology. I was picking it up rapidly.

"Would you like to make out?"

"Make out? Make out what?" I said rubbing my hands in glee. I loved guessing games. "It's pretty dark out here, and I cannot make out anything. Wait, there's a lamp post over there, maybe I'll be able to make out over there"

Looking at that cat, I felt exactly like I felt in those relationships. Fascinating, scary, intriguing, challenging and then finally a gist of indifference.

Relationships take you to a wonderful height of intrigue and fascination, wondering at yourself and the other person looking at you, and the next moment, you come plummeting down.

"Are you seeing someone else?" this one asked suspiciously.

"Love," I said most reassuringly, "I'm not seeing anyone, when I'm with you."

Apart from relationship gobbledygooks I also learnt that I was expected to belong to a genre.

"Hey," as if it just struck her at that moment, "you must be pretty familiar with Kamasutra?"

I looked up wondering where that came from. "Well, I've seen the movie"

"Oooh! There's a movie?"

"Documentary."

"Wow! What's the basic idea of KS, then?"

"I don't know. I guess just to trust the instincts."

"Do you know anything I should know about?"

"Well," I said lowering my voice and looking around, "I've heard that a couple should strip to their undergarments and run in opposite directions."

"It increases desire," I added in a hushed whisper.

Half an hour later, we were running rapidly in opposite directions fully in the nude.

She took the free way ... like they all did.

I took the sidewalk.